Come Not Between a Dragon and [her] Wrath

 In Seriously?

Sometimes, a person will come into our lives and  challenge us in ways we do not want to be challenged. Consequently, we may grow to hate this person; we may be filled with dread every time they appear because they make us question what we are really made of. They fill us with fear.

And for me, this person is Jillian Michaels.

In a brief moment of insanity (no pun intended), I bought her first DVD installment of a program that is allegedly going to revolutionize my body. It may have been easier to train with a Navy Seal.

And, quite frankly, she is like a Navy Seal. She yells at me all the time. And even though my rational mind tells me she cannot see through my TV screen, there is a distinct “Big Brother is watching” feel to her workouts. Yesterday, I was wearing low on my triceps dips and I was considering dropping to only one weight when she told me if I only used one weight she would come through the TV screen and kick my ass. I believed her. She was looking right at me, I tell you.

I seriously don’t think mind control is beyond her. The other day, I was rationalizing that perhaps I could not do this one legged flamingo pose and work my deltoids simultaneously because I am, after all, a woman in her forties who has borne three children. As if in response to my thought, Sergeant Jillian whipped the shirt up on some woman to reveal her rock hard abs and announced that she had also reproduced three times. Coincidence? Or mind control?

Now, interestingly enough, I googled her to see if she had any Nazi connections. I didn’t find any, but Goodreads had all these inspirational quotes from her. Here’s one of them:

“Be brave and be patient. Have faith in yourself; trust in the significance of your life and the purpose of your passion. You are strong enough to sit in the space between spaces and allow divine inspiration to shed some light. When you put positive energy and productive effort into the world it will come back to you. Occasionally in ways you might not immediately understand and on a time frame you didn’t expect. Look. Listen. Learn. Stay open. Your destiny is awaiting you.”

What? Is this Zen-like woman the same person who –just yesterday- said to me “You’ve got one minute- DON’T SUCK!”

Seriously? One minute she is talking inner peace and the next, she is telling me that when I drop my shoulders, it “really pisses her off.”

However, what’s crazier: a woman who is a mixture of Ghandi and General Patten? Or the woman who buys the DVD and willingly submits to her? In fact, I actually wonder if the Military knows about her. One can only speculate what would happen if we introduced her to Putin…

But the truly puzzling thing is that when we are cooling down in the end and she tells me she is proud of me, I forget all about the mental and physical torture and bask in the warmth of her approval. There’s a name for that…

I think it’s called Stockholm syndrome.

See what I mean:


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