Survival Tips I Learned From Horror Movies

 In Seriously?

 

So, last night, I finally got to see the new Godzilla movie. I was looking forward to it for reasons I find difficult to articulate. That’s me all over. One minute reading William Faulkner, the next high on the Walking Dead.

What this fascination says about me, I don’t know. I think maybe I just like to shut down the gray matter sometimes, but there are things to learn from American Horror movies. For instance, I have learned some very valuable survival strategies from watching these movies. These are tips we can all benefit from, so I will share them now.

  1. I’ll start with the most obvious mistake. It is common for the victim to hear an unfamiliar noise in their home and go to investigate. Seriously? I personally have a plan for an invasion of a killer into my domicile and it involves running out of the house, leading them directly to my neighbor’s home.
  1. Rookie mistake #2: When said victim goes to investigate, they do not turn the light on. Well, to be fair, often there is some electrical problem. But why go it at all? I can’t think of a reason why I would go into a dark room when I am already creeped out about some noise. But, for the sake of argument, let’s just say I’m going out and I need my new shoes and they are in the dark room with the killer. Why not go for a flashlight? Are you thinking the killer, who has presumably been in the room long enough for his demon eyes to adjust, can’t see you if the lights are off? Are you thinking he can’t see you if you can’t see him? Research shows this is not the case.
  1. A large Tyrannosaurus Rex emerges slowly from the water and you are on a bridge. Your reaction? You stand and stare at it. Precious moments are ticking away while you gawk with amazement at its size. Run! Remember, you only have to be faster than the slowest person in your group. This always makes me feel better.
  1. Once you’ve made the decision to flee the predator, don’t look back several times to see if he is gaining on you. Any Track coach will tell you this is a mistake and a way to lose time. Eyes ahead, arms pumping…stay focused, people. Do you really want to know what’s gaining on you?
  1. Again on the subject of escape, there seems to be the misguided belief that you need to stay on the road. There is a good case to be made for going off-road, weaving between trees and bushes. Be a moving target. This advice is particularly helpful when being pursued by a car or other such vehicle. Seriously, why would you stay on the road when being chased by a zombie on a Harley Davidson? Take your chances with the mountain lions, that’s what I say.
  1. Now, let’s say it’s come down to man to man combat and you get a good blow in. Be aware that many forces of evil or destruction will appear dead, but may be faking it. I think killers get a kick out of this trick. This is the kind of thing they talk about when they gather for drinks after work. I can never understand why the main guy clubs the killer on the head, then turns away, his back to the body of the killer. He pauses to gather his thoughts, probably thinking “that was a close one!” Meanwhile, the killer rises to his feet. Because of his sobs of relief, the victim is caught unaware, unable to hear the approach of death.  I can assure you, if I club the killer and he goes down, I’m gonna keep on clubbing. Just to be sure, you know. Finish what you start, that’s what I always tell my kids.
  1. It also seems to me that killers really like medicine cabinets, particularly the kinds that have mirrors on them. This way, the unsuspecting victim, aka you, will open the cabinet door looking for your Prozac and when you close it up again, something evil will be there. Directly behind you. It’s likely there won’t even be time for you to take that Prozac.
  1. Consider your escape route carefully. Are there really very many times when you should go upstairs? Where are you going to go from there when the murderer climbs the stairs with his chain saw? Should have thought ahead, my friend.
  1. I’m trying to think of any time where the group of victims split up and it ended well. Nope, I got nothing. Stay together and see #3 for personal survival strategy.

10. I’m going out on a limb here, but I really think that killers go for women who wear sexy underwear. I find this encouraging. Ideally, keep your clothes on as much as possible. Killers always seem to emerge from the closet when you are peeling off your prom dress and revealing your Victoria’s Secret miracle bra and matching panties. If you think about it, there aren’t too many women getting slaughtered when they are wearing their Hanes cotton high waist briefs with the comfort waste band. Just saying.

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